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By the time my first-born was three years old, we had to fashion a makeshift 'hall of fame' in his room. He had medals from soccer, trophies from skating and t-ball, ribbons from swimming lessons, and too many certificates and player-of-the-game prizes to count.
Phenom, right? Superstar athlete, best at everything he tried, winner of all games, will it be NBA, NHL, MLB... how will we chose?
Nope.
There were about a thousand other kids just like him - and they ALL needed trophy cases. Because everything our kids do, these days, ends in a gala, a championship, a medal ceremony, a graduation... and everyone wins.
I'd questioned what we were teaching him the first time he brought home a full colour, pricey-looking trophy from skating lessons during which he barely stood up for 6 months.
First - what the heck is this for?
And second - how much of my registration fee went to paying for this?
Oh, and third - where are we going to put all of this stuff?
It wasn't until a few more sports seasons ended that I realized the bigger question really was: Does this medal/trophy/ribbon even mean anything to my kid when everyone gets one?
We have old trophies in the basement from my husband's parents house. They have inscriptions like "League finalist" or "3rd place women's tennis" or "Hole in One". They MEAN something. The person who received them - individual or team - WON something or placed well.
Now, most of the trophies my kids bring home don't even have anything written on them, because they haven't won ANYTHING! They just showed up.
My husband and I have both enjoyed competing in sports. When it comes to our kids, especially in the preschool years, all we really wanted them to do was participate and have fun. Commit to being on a team and try your best. That's it. Preschool sports usually don't have 'finals' or 'championships' or even keep score half the time. Which is great. So why do we feel they all need to be 'rewarded' with a trophy at the end, just for showing up?
My internal jury was still a bit out on this question, because of course my kids like getting the trophies and medals and showing them off and wearing them around and displaying them. So who was I to take that away from them? But still I wondered 'what will it mean when they actually do win something... or when they don't?'
I found out this week.
That once three-year-old is now almost eight. His hockey team didn't make the final championship game this year. So he will go and watch some of his friends play instead, and he will (hopefully) be a good sport and cheer them on. And as we discussed the logistics of going to the game and the importance of cheering on other teams, he asked me: Do you think we'll all get a trophy?
Can't blame the kid. This may be the first year of playing sports where he didn't get a trophy just for showing up. And I'm glad. Because I asked him, Do you think you should?
He said, No, because we didn't win. The team that wins should get the trophy.
Ah ha. That's what I've been thinking these past five years... and I don't think my kid needed to be eight before he figured it out.
So what do you think - do all kids need a trophy at the end of every season? Or can they begin to learn at a young age that they don't need to be rewarded just for showing up?
Tue, 03/27/2012 - 14:11 Great to hear we've struck a chord out there. Thanks for the comments! I think that parents supporting and encouraging should be enough for kids to participate. They don't need to always 'get' something. If they win or get a best sport or most improved award (very important ones!) - then it's time for the trophy!
Tue, 03/27/2012 - 10:10 Our son is almost 13 and we've had to 'donate' to the bin all the excess medals and trophies. Trophies and medals should be earned for an accomplishment. You take away a child's desire to strive for something if they are rewarded for not achieving. It's great that kids participate, but that on it's own does not merit a symbol of recognition. I am one of the parents who organizes a 5k kids walk/run every year (this year 3400 students) and if they don't cross the finish line they don't get a medal. We encourage preparation, training, goal setting, and the reward is the pride (and medal) they have when they have accomplished what they set out to do.
Mon, 03/26/2012 - 22:08 i think for some things, like end of year team celebrations and such, or if they go past first round of a competition, to recognize that is nice, but it is good to teach them that there are winners and losers in everything that they will apply themselves to.. that hard work is rewarded... just being part of a team is fun to recognize when very young like 4 or 5, but after that..... my son goes into grade 7 next year.. and i find the school systems do the "everyone" is equal thing way too much... and they don't help everyone find their own place and set their own bar for achievement... and my son has actually been told in the past to tone down his physical ability in gym as the other kids were not as athletic... would not that mean that the other children, if they want to, should try to step up their game??? it's all such a conflicting message. my son has played at competitive levels, but was never the "star", however that was fine, because within the team structure, the "star" that excels and receives the rewards does need the full support of each and every one of the other team members... its the same in a work environment... the "boss" needs a solid dependable team.. its a good lesson to learn young... too many twenty somethings i have met recently have such a sense of entitlement and i think part of the problem can be directly traced back to this "everyone gets a trophy" attitude...
Mon, 03/26/2012 - 21:47 LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. This entry. I am a competitive athlete. I've been playing on competitive teams for 25 years. Many of those years at a very high level of competition. I've played with people who've played on the national team, most of the players I know have one a national title (I'm a chronic 2nd placer - drives me nuts) Regardless, I too believe that although it's important to "play for the love of the game" and that "winning doesn't matter", that at some point it does. Not in a mean kind of way, but in the I worked my butt off kind of way....I worked my butt off more then the other guy who just showed his face, but never contributed. Did he have to wait till 8 to learn that??? I suppose not, but I'm glad to hear that eventually there is a split and being a good winner is just as good as being a good looser.